Putting aside the religious sanctions and judgments of the 'sins of the flesh',how can the carnal preoccupation of BDSM be justified in a spiritual context? The answer comes from Buddhism, and it is the concept of mindfulness. What is the difference between the gourmand and the glutton? One savors the essence of epicurean delights while the other gorges on large quantities of food to fill an emotional void. What difference is there between the connoisseur of the grape and the wino? The former studies the nature of the drink and imbibes in moderation, the latter drinks to excess to dull a vacant soul. Thoughtful enjoyment versus mindless pleasure.
The practice of BDSM involves an incredible amount of knowledge, sensitivity, judgment and thought. BDSM is about sex. The best sex you can have according to its practitioners. D/s, Dominance and submission is about the exchange of power between the partners.
Safe, sane and consensual
The terms sadism and masochism are used in the lifestyle to describe both the nature of the activities and the people involved.
The definition of sadism - is the gaining of sexual gratification by causing physical or mental pain to other people and the definition of masochism follows - sexual gratification achieved by humiliation and theacceptance of physical and mental pain and verbal abuse. These terms have been co-opted by BDSM'ers but their use describes a very important variation on the words themselves.
All BDSM play incorporates the philosophy of Safe, Sane and Consensual. The submissive may be hurt but never harmed. Every activity is consensual with the submissive having a veto over anything by use of a safeword which instantly stops the activity or scene. This then, is the fundamental difference between BDSM play and abuse of any kind. In public play at BDSM clubs, Dungeon Monitors watch to ensure that all play is safe, sane and consensual.
Anyone exhibiting unhealthy attitudes or unacceptable levels of violence or abuse is removed and invariably shunned by the community. BDSMers do not encourage and do not accept those who are acting out their own personal childhood abuses via sadistic or masochistic behavior. It would be natural to expect those who are damaged to gravitate to the lifestyle and indeed some do only to find a lack of acceptance. In fact, studies have shown that the percentage of highly dysfunctional sadists and masochists in the lifestyle is half that of society in general. BDSM is not the arena for tyrant or a martyr.
BDSM is about sex. Why would anyone in their right mind want to be tortured? Endorphins. Pleasure. D/s is about power. Why would anyone want to give up their power to another? Freedom - to be who you are: the sub is released from responsibility and the Dom assumes responsibility
Subspace
Subspace is that place between the conscious and unconscious states. It is the world within the mind and body, of pure sensation and emotion, devoid of intellectual thought and reasoning. The journey to subspace is achieved by the relinquishment of control and will on the part of the submissive. The Dominant will, through a variety of means guide the submissive on the journey. Think of your state of mind when you are having an orgasm. We all tend to lose control to some degree. We lose our reasoning and sense of self. We are in the moment. Similarly, think of your state of mind when you meditate. Loss of ego, absence of thought, connecting on a non-verbal level with the universe. Put these two states of mind together and square them, and you will have a fairly good idea of what subspace is like.
Christians have flagellated themselves throughout history to achieve this state of mind. Victims of torture, have gone into this state to be able to endure their torment. Starvation will create a similar state of mind. Buddhists have meditated to achieve this transcendental state and hypnotists induce it as a matter of course, for both healing purposes and entertainment.
How does the Dominant create this? One way is pain. The submissive will convert the sensation of pain into one of pleasure, crossing that thin line. The Dom will enhance this effect by administering soft, gentle pleasurable sensations before, during and after the administration of the pain. The Dom will warm up the sub and gradually build up the level as the sub gets used to incremental increases in the pain. Another way is pleasure or the denial of pleasure. Multiple orgasms, piled one upon the other will help take a submissive woman to subspace. Similarly, the denial of orgasms will do the same thing if repeated relentlessly. Sensory overload or sensory deprivation. In the case of male subs, denial of orgasms is the preferred way due to the inability of most men to have consecutive multiple orgasms.
Fear will disorient the submissive and aid in the journey. Bondage robs the submissive of the freedom to move and creates vulnerability and fear. Trust becomes an issue between the Dom and the sub. Verbal, aural and visual threats may be made to increase fear in the submissive. Part of the mind is fearful, and part knows the Dom will not harm them. This paradox blows rationality out and allows sensation in.
The submissive also is absolved of all responsibility for what occurs during the scene as the Dom is responsible for his or her emotional, physical and mental well-being. This alone gives the sub the freedom to soar. There are five senses and unlimited ways for a creative Dominant to create the conditions within a scene for the submissive to fly in subspace.
DomSpace
Domspace is the exact opposite state of mind from subspace. It is one of incredible concentration, focus and concern. It is one of control, direction and responsibility. The mind, heart and body of the Dominant are totally involved with creating the scene for the submissive and as a result, create a unique state of mind within the Dom. It is quiet, serene, acute and oblivious to all outside stimuli beyond the physical space occupied by the two parties. Think in terms of the concentration of race car driver, the focus of a gymnast and the mindset of a chess master at play. Both subspace and Domspace are places of altered consciousness. Pleasurable ones for both.
D/s Power Exchange
Dominance and submission, D/s is about the Power Exchange between two people. Why would anyone in their right mind want to give up their power to another? The answer is freedom - to be who and what you are. The submissive is released from responsibility. The Dom -assumes responsibility, for his sub's physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being.
Those in the lifestyle come from all walks of life, economic status, location, sexual preference, race and religion. Generally speaking, the largest group is in the 35 plus age group. The profile in many cases is men or women who have been married for 20 years with unsatisfactory sex lives who, separated or divorced, find themselves able to explore new things and be themselves for the first time. Mothers who have raised families, made decisions, run the show and now wish to be told what to do, directed in the bedroom and allowed to express themselves sexually. Many high powered businessmen and women crave the submissive lifestyle, a freedom from the stress of their jobs and lives. Historically, the professional Dominatrix has catered to men of this nature for a price. Now it is free for all to enjoy.
Men and women who have had lifelong cravings to control others, but have repressed the need as being socially and psychologically unacceptable, are now welcome to be who they really are in the lifestyle. The desire to serve and be served is in all of us, and BDSM is the place for it, in relationships and in sex.
The way D/s relationships work, is that the Dom(me) courts the submissive who, if convinced he or she is the One for them, will submit. The submissive always chooses the Dom to be his or her Master or Mistress. Not unlike heterosexual vanilla relationships where the man courts the woman who may agree to marry him. However, due to the nature of the BDSM D/s lifestyle, the trust factor is much, much more important as is communication.
There are two schools of thought on the nature of D/s relationships. Normally the submissive will fill out a checklist of all the many sexual activities practiced in the lifestyle, indicating to the Dom, which practices he/she may have experienced, wishes to experience and does not wish to experience. Hard limits are those the submissive refuses to be part of. A true Dom will honor the submissives limits. The two parties may wish to draw up a contract outlining the nature of their relationship and the play activities they will enjoy. Then the dance begins.
It is incumbent on the Dom to try to stretch the submissive's limits by gentle persuasion while respecting the no-go limits. The submissive is then bound to accept the Dom's attempts and may choose to go outside his or her comfort zone and experience things he/she would otherwise not have considered. This then, is growth, both in the variety of sexual activities and the depth of trust and substance of the relationship. At all times the submissive has the right of veto. Oddly enough, with this veto, the submissive in fact has the power in the relationship despite the fact that he or she has handed over their power to the Dom. The Dom rules by the good grace of his dominance. The submissive is free to refuse to do anything outside the boundaries of their contract or agreements and free to leave the relationship if desired. 24/7 D/s relationships may include a slave contract which will be more defined and limiting in what the submissive may or may not do and the power enjoyed by the the Master. A slave contract would reflect the more intense nature of this relationship.
The second school of thought is that once the submissive has chosen the Dom and turned over his or her power, he or she no longer has any limits or rights. The submissive is known as a slave and no longer even has the right to leave the relationship. This kind of relationship is rare for a number of reasons. The first is legal, no one can own another person in the historic understanding of masters and slaves. It is against the law in the civilized world, not to mention, morally repugnant. The second is more practical. Most people have families of origin, children, jobs and interests outside the lifestyle which must be accommodated. It probably wouldn't go down too well at the company party or at the mother-in-laws house if a Master showed up with his sub collared and on a leash with slut tattooed on her forehead. Unless one is financially self-sufficient and living away from society, having a full blown, 24/7 D/s relationship, as described in The Story of O, is virtually impossible.
The bottom line is, that the nature of any given D/s relationship is determined by the two partners in the union. They negotiate it and communicate about it on a regular basis, and amend it one way or the other. D/s relationships tend to be much more intense, fulfilling, honest and trusting than vanilla marriages because of what's at stake. A submissive is by nature, vulnerable and his or her vulnerability must be respected and protected.
The Internet Phenomena
There has been an explosion of interest in the BDSM lifestyle, part of which is a direct result of the Internet. Many chatrooms, IRC channels, e-zines, bulletin boards, e-groups, personals sites and resource sites cater to the lifestyle and are hugely popular.
There are commercial sites like Alt.com, the world's largest alternative sexuality personals site with chat and an e-zine. CastleRealm.com has resources for Doms and subs, news, a bookstore, library of articles and greeting cards. Dungeonnet.com, the most comprehensive directory of BDSM websites on the Net. KinkyCards.com, the most popular and diverse adult greeting card site on the Internet has sent out over 3 million lifestyle cards.
The explosive growth of interest in the lifestyle is symbiotic interest between the sites and the visitors to the sites. So who is using these sites? The answer is people who have long felt they were different, who practiced kinky behavior without knowing it was part of something bigger or those who are dissatisfied with their sex lives and roles and did some surfing. Educating themselves online and meeting people who are in the lifestyle in real time has provided these newcomers with an intro into the BDSM world, its associations, clubs, munchs and play parties.
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